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Crestfallen Warrior: Welcome to Lordran. There are actually two Bells of Awakening. One in Undead Burg, and the other is in Blighttown
Wind: Huh, I thought there was only one. Well, thank you, kind sir
Crestfallen Warrior: Glad I could he- (Wind stabs him in the chest and takes his humanity)
Wind: Well, I need your humanity more than you do, so take care
Wind: (Walks across bridge)
Undead Soldiers: (Follow Wind)
Wind: (Walks down stairs under the bridge)
Undead Soldiers: (Follow Wind until they are above the stairs)
Hellkite Dragon: (Sets bridge on fire, as Wind watches from the safety of under the bridge) Ah, yes, thanks for the spare souls, dragon (Takes out sword) Now give me your tail (Slices the dragon’s tail off and receives Drake Sword)
Solaire: Ah, hello there. I am Solaire. I am looking for my own sun
Wind: Uh-huh. Look, I just want your armor and your humanity, so I am going to kill you
Solaire: (Laughs) Oh, please. You wouldn’t kill Sola- (Wind stabs Soliare in the eyes of his helmet and kills him, taking his humanity)
Wind: I wonder how much people are going to bitch to me in the comments for doing that. Eh, I don’t care
Wind: (Rings the first bell) And that makes one bell
Oswald: Good evening. I am Oswald o- (Wind stabs him in the gut)
Wind: (Takes his humanity and book) Sweet, I needed more shit to chuck at the stupid undead
Wind: (Walking through Blighttown at fifteen frames per second)
Maneater Mildred: (Runs toward Wind)
Wind: (Stabs her in the throat and takes her humanity) Perfect… Now kill the boss for me (Summons Maneater Mildred)
Wind: (Watches as Maneater Mildred fights Chaos Witch Quelaag)
Maneater Mildred: (Dies)
Wind: Wow, you suck at this (Walks over and fights Quelaag)
Wind: Finally, rang the two bells
Eingyi: Ah, are you a new servant
Wind: Depends… who is in there
Eingyi: Our fair lady
Wind: Sounds important. Yeah, I am the new servant
Eingyi: Ah, good. Please, come and speak to our fair lady. And mind your manners
Wind: Suuuuure
(Five Seconds Later)
Wind: (Kills Quelaag’s sister and takes her humanity) That was pretty easy
Eingyi: The fair lady?! You monster! What have you done!?
Wind: Oh, shut up (Throws a firebomb at him and kills him, taking his humanity as well)
Frampt: Ah, you are the one who rang the Bells of Awakening
Wind: Oh dear god, I’m gonna be sick
Frampt: You must travel to Sen’s Fortress and head to Anor Londo
Wind: Sounds simple enough
Wind: (Walking across narrow bridge while pendulums swing around them) Simple my right testicle
Wind: (See’s the Iron Golem) Well, I’m bored (Uses summon sign to summon Black Iron Tarkus and watches as he fights the Iron Golem) This summon is a lot easier than the last one I used
Wind: (Walking through Anor Londo) I do gotta admit, the architecture for this place is pretty good.
Smough: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: Who’s this fat fuck
Ornstein: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: And what are you looking at?
(They both charge at Wind)
Wind: …………. (Holds up shield)
Wind: (Walks up elevator, covered in scorch marks and bruises) Okay, I finally made it past those fuckers (Walks into another room)
Gwynevere: Chosen Undead-
Wind: OH, FUCK (Throws firebomb, killing Gwynevere) Oh shit, sorry. Thought you were another boss……. Uh……. oh……. Oh well, more humanity for me
(Anor Londo suddenly goes dark)
Wind: Something tells me I fucked up
Gwyndolin: Heretic. First thou offendeth the Godmother, and now thou see fit to trample upon the tomb of the Great Lord
Wind: What the fuck
Gwyndolin: I am the Dark Sun, Gwyndolin-
Wind: No, seriously. What the fuck? You are a man, and yet you look and sound like a woman. What the fuck? Are you a transvestite? And you have tentacles for legs. What kind of fucked up Lovecraftian nightmare are you?
Gwyndolin: Let the atonement for thy felonies commenceth
Wind: Gladly
Wind: (Kills Gwyndolin)
Gwyndolin: O Heretic, Swathed in Dark… an eternal curse upon thee (Dies)
Wind: (Picks up 40,000 souls) Ha ha. That’s just silly. If the media taught me anything, homosexuals have no souls
Wind: (Walking into Darkroot Basin) Okay, so I need some ring to go into some hole in the ground…. Because that makes sense
Sif: (Jumps in front of Wind)
Wind: (Groans) Why is this shit never easy
Sif: (Starts limping)
Wind: (Looks at Sif)
Sif: (Looks at Wind with sad eyes)
Wind: ………………. (Stabs Sif and kills him) Yeah, I didn’t cry to Old Yeller, so you're no different
Four Kings: (Rush at Wind)
Wind: (Gets close to them and starts stabbing them repeatedly) It’s a good thing you all conveniently share a lifebar
Wind: (Kills the Four Kings)
Kaathe: (Appears) Greetings. I am Darkstalker Kaathe
Wind: Oh no, not another one. Are you here to bitch about “Oh, light the fire, and do the right thing”.
Kaathe: No. I want you to let the fire die out and bring forth the age of Darkness, with you as the Dark Lord
Wind: So, I get to rule over everyone in the world with an iron fist, making everyone terrified of me…. I like the way you think, where do I sign up for that
Kaathe: Let me show you
Kaathe: (Spits Wind out) Ah, here we are
Wind: Oh god, did you have to put me in your mouth
Kaathe: It was the only way
Wind: Oh god, I got drool all over me
Kaathe: No time to complain. You must place the Lordvessel on the flame
Wind: Ugh. Fine, whatever (Does so) There, now, you can go back to where you came from. I’ll just use this thing to teleport to the next area
Frampt: You fool. You can not be the chosen hero. I’m going back to sleep (Slithers back into the hole)
Wind: Well fuck you too
Pinwheel: (Turns to Wind, in a threatening way)
Wind: (Slightly touches Pinwheel)
Pinwheel: (Dies violently)
Wind: Well…. that was disappointing
Patches: Hello, I am Patches. There is a bunch of treasure down there
Wind: Really? Huh. If this is a trick, I’ll come back and kill you
Patches: Oh, no trick at all
Wind: (Looks down the hole)
Patches: (Sneaks over to kick Wind down)
Wind: (Laughs) Nah, I’m just kidding
Patches: What
Wind: I was going to kill you anyway (Stabs Patches in the eye, sending the sword through his head)
Nito: (Slowly walks towards Wind)
Wind: (Sits there, waiting for him to arrive)
Nito: (Keeps moving slowly)
Wind: (Sighs) (Walks over to Nito and starts stabbing him)
Wind: (Walks through door)
Seath: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: This should be simple (Throws fireball at him)
Seath: (His health does not go down)
Wind: Oh fuck (Gets impaled on spikes)
Wind: Fucking force loss bullshit (Arrives at the crystal caves, only to walk across invisible wall) …. Oh god, not this stupid shit! NOT THIS STUPID SHIT! (Shoots arrows on the ground, in order to lead him through the invisible bridge
Seath: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: Okay, I know what to do now, you fucker (Runs back and forth)
Seath: Hey, cut that out. I can’t hit you if you keep doing that
Wind: (Stabs him once in each leg before running back to the other)
Wind: Okay, last soul. How bad can this one be
(1 Minute Later)
Bed of Chaos: (Knocks Wind back)
Wind: FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP SLAPPING ME AROUND (Tries to drink Estus Flask)
Bed of Chaos: (Shoves Wind off into a hole)
Wind: (Appears back at bonfire, far from the boss)
Wind: FUCK!
Wind: (Walking through Painted World) Why did I come here, exactly
Priscilla: Who are thou? One of us, thou are not
Wind: Look, I am too tired to kill you. I just want to go home
Priscilla: Thou must returneth, whence thou came. This land is peaceful. It’s inhabitants kind
Wind: Wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry. I just had this fucking crazy thing in my ear that made it sound like you said that this hellhole is peaceful. Are you telling me that a place filled with psychotic knife wielding zombies, giant bird men that pecked the fuck out of me, giant wheel skeletons that gang banged me, blob spartan rejects, a giant knight with a spear, a fucking zombified dragon, and a goddamn phantom that looked like a tumor was growing on his head trying to set me on fire, and you have the fucking nerve to tell me that this land is fucking peaceful and it’s inhabitants are fucking kind
Priscilla: Yes
Wind: …………. Well, congratulations. I’m not too tired to kill you now (Stabs her in the heart)
Wind: Okay, where the fuck is Gwyn. I want to become king now
Gwyn: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: Oh, he isn’t that big. This should be ea-
Gwyn: (Jumps at Wind quickly)
Wind: Oh fuck (Uses shield to block his attack)
Wind: (Steps out of the Kiln of the First Flame) I have done it. I killed Gwyn, and the flame has died out. I am your king now
Kaathe: My lord, bless thy safe return. We are here to serve your highness. Let true dark be cast upon the world. Our lord hath returned’st
Wind: Yes, now. Let us begin the construction of a Natural Selection society
Kaathe: Um… about that….
Wind: What
Kaathe: Everyone is kinda…. dead. And you didn’t help with murdering everyone you met
Wind: So…. I’m a king without subjects
Kaathe: Pretty much
Wind: ….. Well Kaathe, looks like you’re my forty-fifth victim
Kaathe: Wait, what (Wind stabs Kaathe in the forehead)
Ask Ben about what we did in Language Arts and Creative Writing
Work on Algebra
Read through the Maltese Falcon Chapter
Return Grapes of Wrath book Language Arts
Crestfallen Warrior: Welcome to Lordran. There are actually two Bells of Awakening. One in Undead Burg, and the other is in Blighttown
Wind: Huh, I thought there was only one. Well, thank you, kind sir
Crestfallen Warrior: Glad I could he- (Wind stabs him in the chest and takes his humanity)
Wind: Well, I need your humanity more than you do, so take care
Wind: (Walks across bridge)
Undead Soldiers: (Follow Wind)
Wind: (Walks down stairs under the bridge)
Undead Soldiers: (Follow Wind until they are above the stairs)
Hellkite Dragon: (Sets bridge on fire, as Wind watches from the safety of under the bridge) Ah, yes, thanks for the spare souls, dragon (Takes out sword) Now give me your tail (Slices the dragon’s tail off and receives Drake Sword)
Solaire: Ah, hello there. I am Solaire. I am looking for my own sun
Wind: Uh-huh. Look, I just want your armor and your humanity, so I am going to kill you
Solaire: (Laughs) Oh, please. You wouldn’t kill Sola- (Wind stabs Soliare in the eyes of his helmet and kills him, taking his humanity)
Wind: I wonder how much people are going to bitch to me in the comments for doing that. Eh, I don’t care
Wind: (Rings the first bell) And that makes one bell
Oswald: Good evening. I am Oswald o- (Wind stabs him in the gut)
Wind: (Takes his humanity and book) Sweet, I needed more shit to chuck at the stupid undead
Wind: (Walking through Blighttown at fifteen frames per second)
Maneater Mildred: (Runs toward Wind)
Wind: (Stabs her in the throat and takes her humanity) Perfect… Now kill the boss for me (Summons Maneater Mildred)
Wind: (Watches as Maneater Mildred fights Chaos Witch Quelaag)
Maneater Mildred: (Dies)
Wind: Wow, you suck at this (Walks over and fights Quelaag)
Wind: Finally, rang the two bells
Eingyi: Ah, are you a new servant
Wind: Depends… who is in there
Eingyi: Our fair lady
Wind: Sounds important. Yeah, I am the new servant
Eingyi: Ah, good. Please, come and speak to our fair lady. And mind your manners
Wind: Suuuuure
(Five Seconds Later)
Wind: (Kills Quelaag’s sister and takes her humanity) That was pretty easy
Eingyi: The fair lady?! You monster! What have you done!?
Wind: Oh, shut up (Throws a firebomb at him and kills him, taking his humanity as well)
Frampt: Ah, you are the one who rang the Bells of Awakening
Wind: Oh dear god, I’m gonna be sick
Frampt: You must travel to Sen’s Fortress and head to Anor Londo
Wind: Sounds simple enough
Wind: (Walking across narrow bridge while pendulums swing around them) Simple my right testicle
Wind: (See’s the Iron Golem) Well, I’m bored (Uses summon sign to summon Black Iron Tarkus and watches as he fights the Iron Golem) This summon is a lot easier than the last one I used
Wind: (Walking through Anor Londo) I do gotta admit, the architecture for this place is pretty good.
Smough: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: Who’s this fat fuck
Ornstein: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: And what are you looking at?
(They both charge at Wind)
Wind: …………. (Holds up shield)
Wind: (Walks up elevator, covered in scorch marks and bruises) Okay, I finally made it past those fuckers (Walks into another room)
Gwynevere: Chosen Undead-
Wind: OH, FUCK (Throws firebomb, killing Gwynevere) Oh shit, sorry. Thought you were another boss……. Uh……. oh……. Oh well, more humanity for me
(Anor Londo suddenly goes dark)
Wind: Something tells me I fucked up
Gwyndolin: Heretic. First thou offendeth the Godmother, and now thou see fit to trample upon the tomb of the Great Lord
Wind: What the fuck
Gwyndolin: I am the Dark Sun, Gwyndolin-
Wind: No, seriously. What the fuck? You are a man, and yet you look and sound like a woman. What the fuck? Are you a transvestite? And you have tentacles for legs. What kind of fucked up Lovecraftian nightmare are you?
Gwyndolin: Let the atonement for thy felonies commenceth
Wind: Gladly
Wind: (Kills Gwyndolin)
Gwyndolin: O Heretic, Swathed in Dark… an eternal curse upon thee (Dies)
Wind: (Picks up 40,000 souls) Ha ha. That’s just silly. If the media taught me anything, homosexuals have no souls
Wind: (Walking into Darkroot Basin) Okay, so I need some ring to go into some hole in the ground…. Because that makes sense
Sif: (Jumps in front of Wind)
Wind: (Groans) Why is this shit never easy
Sif: (Starts limping)
Wind: (Looks at Sif)
Sif: (Looks at Wind with sad eyes)
Wind: ………………. (Stabs Sif and kills him) Yeah, I didn’t cry to Old Yeller, so you're no different
Four Kings: (Rush at Wind)
Wind: (Gets close to them and starts stabbing them repeatedly) It’s a good thing you all conveniently share a lifebar
Wind: (Kills the Four Kings)
Kaathe: (Appears) Greetings. I am Darkstalker Kaathe
Wind: Oh no, not another one. Are you here to bitch about “Oh, light the fire, and do the right thing”.
Kaathe: No. I want you to let the fire die out and bring forth the age of Darkness, with you as the Dark Lord
Wind: So, I get to rule over everyone in the world with an iron fist, making everyone terrified of me…. I like the way you think, where do I sign up for that
Kaathe: Let me show you
Kaathe: (Spits Wind out) Ah, here we are
Wind: Oh god, did you have to put me in your mouth
Kaathe: It was the only way
Wind: Oh god, I got drool all over me
Kaathe: No time to complain. You must place the Lordvessel on the flame
Wind: Ugh. Fine, whatever (Does so) There, now, you can go back to where you came from. I’ll just use this thing to teleport to the next area
Frampt: You fool. You can not be the chosen hero. I’m going back to sleep (Slithers back into the hole)
Wind: Well fuck you too
Pinwheel: (Turns to Wind, in a threatening way)
Wind: (Slightly touches Pinwheel)
Pinwheel: (Dies violently)
Wind: Well…. that was disappointing
Patches: Hello, I am Patches. There is a bunch of treasure down there
Wind: Really? Huh. If this is a trick, I’ll come back and kill you
Patches: Oh, no trick at all
Wind: (Looks down the hole)
Patches: (Sneaks over to kick Wind down)
Wind: (Laughs) Nah, I’m just kidding
Patches: What
Wind: I was going to kill you anyway (Stabs Patches in the eye, sending the sword through his head)
Nito: (Slowly walks towards Wind)
Wind: (Sits there, waiting for him to arrive)
Nito: (Keeps moving slowly)
Wind: (Sighs) (Walks over to Nito and starts stabbing him)
Wind: (Walks through door)
Seath: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: This should be simple (Throws fireball at him)
Seath: (His health does not go down)
Wind: Oh fuck (Gets impaled on spikes)
Wind: Fucking force loss bullshit (Arrives at the crystal caves, only to walk across invisible wall) …. Oh god, not this stupid shit! NOT THIS STUPID SHIT! (Shoots arrows on the ground, in order to lead him through the invisible bridge
Seath: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: Okay, I know what to do now, you fucker (Runs back and forth)
Seath: Hey, cut that out. I can’t hit you if you keep doing that
Wind: (Stabs him once in each leg before running back to the other)
Wind: Okay, last soul. How bad can this one be
(1 Minute Later)
Bed of Chaos: (Knocks Wind back)
Wind: FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP SLAPPING ME AROUND (Tries to drink Estus Flask)
Bed of Chaos: (Shoves Wind off into a hole)
Wind: (Appears back at bonfire, far from the boss)
Wind: FUCK!
Wind: (Walking through Painted World) Why did I come here, exactly
Priscilla: Who are thou? One of us, thou are not
Wind: Look, I am too tired to kill you. I just want to go home
Priscilla: Thou must returneth, whence thou came. This land is peaceful. It’s inhabitants kind
Wind: Wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry. I just had this fucking crazy thing in my ear that made it sound like you said that this hellhole is peaceful. Are you telling me that a place filled with psychotic knife wielding zombies, giant bird men that pecked the fuck out of me, giant wheel skeletons that gang banged me, blob spartan rejects, a giant knight with a spear, a fucking zombified dragon, and a goddamn phantom that looked like a tumor was growing on his head trying to set me on fire, and you have the fucking nerve to tell me that this land is fucking peaceful and it’s inhabitants are fucking kind
Priscilla: Yes
Wind: …………. Well, congratulations. I’m not too tired to kill you now (Stabs her in the heart)
Wind: Okay, where the fuck is Gwyn. I want to become king now
Gwyn: (Looks at Wind)
Wind: Oh, he isn’t that big. This should be ea-
Gwyn: (Jumps at Wind quickly)
Wind: Oh fuck (Uses shield to block his attack)
Wind: (Steps out of the Kiln of the First Flame) I have done it. I killed Gwyn, and the flame has died out. I am your king now
Kaathe: My lord, bless thy safe return. We are here to serve your highness. Let true dark be cast upon the world. Our lord hath returned’st
Wind: Yes, now. Let us begin the construction of a Natural Selection society
Kaathe: Um… about that….
Wind: What
Kaathe: Everyone is kinda…. dead. And you didn’t help with murdering everyone you met
Wind: So…. I’m a king without subjects
Kaathe: Pretty much
Wind: ….. Well Kaathe, looks like you’re my forty-fifth victim
Kaathe: Wait, what (Wind stabs Kaathe in the forehead)
A car is violently flipped over.
"Yo! What the fuck!?" The passengers cried angrily.
"OPEN FIRE!" Officer Shane cried, and all the officers started killing the suspects, though they were no threat at all.
However, Shane ended up accidentally shooting chief Rick Grims, nearly killing him.
"Oh nooo... He's been shot because by the criminals" Shane called out nervously.
Shane and the officers ran over to the fading away Rick.
"By the way. If you die or fall into a coma.. I'm gonna sleep with your wife" Shane's voice said as it was fading away.
AT THE HOSPITAL
The doctor violent punches Rick while he was still unconscience.
"What you do doing!?" Shane cried.
"My job..Sometimes people FAKE being in a coma. This man's not.. Unless.. The first punch knocked him out.. Either way, we won't know for sometime" the doctor replied.
Stay tuned for more..
"Yo! What the fuck!?" The passengers cried angrily.
"OPEN FIRE!" Officer Shane cried, and all the officers started killing the suspects, though they were no threat at all.
However, Shane ended up accidentally shooting chief Rick Grims, nearly killing him.
"Oh nooo... He's been shot because by the criminals" Shane called out nervously.
Shane and the officers ran over to the fading away Rick.
"By the way. If you die or fall into a coma.. I'm gonna sleep with your wife" Shane's voice said as it was fading away.
AT THE HOSPITAL
The doctor violent punches Rick while he was still unconscience.
"What you do doing!?" Shane cried.
"My job..Sometimes people FAKE being in a coma. This man's not.. Unless.. The first punch knocked him out.. Either way, we won't know for sometime" the doctor replied.
Stay tuned for more..