**Summary: Set during New Moon, Alice has a vision of Bella jumping off the cliff, but instead of going to Italy, Edward tried to kill himself in various Muggle ways. Humor**
CHAPTER ONE
Edward Cullen sat on the couch moping. The Cullens had moved to New York after leaving Forks, but Edward didn't care. He hadn't gone out once, and sat on the couch depressed and moping all the time.
He sighed as he sat on the couch wondering if Bella even remembered what he looked like anymore. Or how he sparkled.
CRASH! He turned, temporarily snapped out of his self-pity and depression.
Alice had just dropped a vase. On Rosalie's foot.
"What the HELL?", snapped Rosalie with a glare. "You just wrecked my pedicure!"
Alice stood frozen. Edward, even with his misery-addled brain could see something was up. In a second, he was standing next to Alice and reading her mind.
"No!", he gasped.
In a few minutes, the whole family was gathered, and Alice explained shakily what she had seen.
"It's Bella", she said, staring at the ground. "She jumped off a cliff".
A collective gasp of horror was the only response.
"Suicide?", asked Edward, his mouth a hard line.
"Most likely", Alice nodded.
Before anyone could do anything, Edward ran out the door and disappeared. He didn't even bother to open it first, and bits of wood flew everywhere as he smashed right through it.
"Where did he go?", Esme asked, concerned, staring at the Edward-shaped hole in the door.
Alice concentrated for a moment, then gasped again.
"He's going to try and kill himself!", she cried.
"Can I watch?", asked Emmett eagerly.
"Shut Up, Emmett, this is serious!", Alice moaned, as she hung her head. "He just can't live without Bella, even if he was stupid enough to abandon her"
"We have to go after him!", Esme moaned, "I can't stand to see anything happen to him, oh no!"
"I'm getting flashes of him, I can't see anything clearly, he keeps changing his mind." said Alice.
She sat down and concentrated for several minutes. Nobody moved a muscle until she spoke again.
Alice smiled sarcastically.
"He knows that no one in this family will help him kill himself, so he's going to try and jump off a building.", she said.
"You tried that, right Carlisle?", asked Rosalie, surprised, her beauty crisis momentarily forgotten. "It didn't work, right?"
Carlisle shook his head hopefully.
"Oh don't worry", Alice said dryly. "If that doesn't work, then he has a whole bunch of plans figured out. After that, he'll drink poison, then try a chainsaw, and so many other things."
Emmett cracked up. "Now I REALLY have to watch!", he exclaimed in between loud chuckles. "Edward with a CHAINSAW! Hahahaha!"
Everyone ignored him, not bothering to point out that the fact that Edward was now suicidal was the main point.
"But we are lucky, though", Alice continued.
"How?", Esme moaned. She was slumped on the couch next to Carlisle, head in her hands.
"Well for one thing, I don't really thing that any of those will work, and second, he's forgotten one VERY important thing", Alice replied.
The other Cullens tried to press her to find out what it was, but Alice just shook her head, refusing to say anything more.
CHAPTER TWO
Meanwhile, Edward stood in front of the Empire State Building, attracting a lot of funny looks from passersby. Shoving a little old lady carrying a twenty pound bag of dog food out of the way, he marched forward, into the building.
"May I help you?", asked a receptionist, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously. Edward rolled his eyes and headed towards the elevators.
Elbowing past the line of people waiting for an elevator, ignoring the many evil eyes and shouts of "Hey!", and "Wait your turn, jerk!" aimed at him. He shoved his way into a packed elevator and hit the button for the top floor.
"Rude young man!" snapped a voice. Edward turned. It was the lady with the dog food from outside. Much to the amusement of the other elevator passengers, the lady stepped forward and began hitting Edward with her dog food bag. Edward sighed and tried to resist the urge to grab her and throw her through the wall.
Finally, the elevator reached the top floor, and Edward headed purposefully towards a door marked "Roof".
Meanwhile, outside, the rest of the Cullens reached the building. "He's really going to jump?" asked Esme. Alice nodded. "We must make sure no one sees him" said Esme. "Hey I know!" yelled Emmett gleefully. Then, cupping his hands around his mouth, he yelled, "HEY EVERYONE! FREE HOTDOGS BEHIND THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!". The effect was like magic. Within minutes, the normally busy New York street was practically deserted.
"Look, there he is!", Esme moaned, pointing to a shadowy figure on the roof of the Empire State Building. "Oh No!" Alice gasped and ran off, not wanting him to be able to read her mind.
As the other Cullens tried to shepherd the remaining pedestrians off the street, Edward was staring off the top of the building. "Goodbye, my lovely Bella", he said mournfully, taking out a picture of Bella from his pocket and kissing it.
"Emmett! We DO NOT assault hot dog vendors and steal their carts!" Esmee screeched. "Emmett, put that poor man DOWN, NOW!". She raced off, leaving only Rosalie, Carlisle, and Jasper to deal with persuading an annoyed businessman that he should vacate the vicinity immediately.
Edward heard it all from the top of the building, and had to roll his eyes and suppress a chuckle of amusement. He wondered briefly if death was the only way to go, but then looked again at his photo, his cold, unbeating heart breaking a thousand times as he stared into her smiling face. Shoving the 3x5 rectangle back into his pocket, she stepped forward and leaped.
The Fall seemed like hours to him. His instincts screamed for him to bend his knees so that he would land easily on the ground, but he managed to keep his position head first.
CRASH! With a jarring thud, Edward landed. Picking himself up from the huge crater he'd made on the sidewalk, he felt his head, which was completely scratch and dent free, and looked around. "DAMMIT", he swore, "It didn't work!", he raced away before the other Cullens could catch him, all the while thinking of another suicide possibility.
Meanwhile, on the next block, A small boy tugged his mothers sleeve. "Mommy, Mommy! That man just jumped off the Empire State Building!", She grunted in reply. "But Mommy!" he cried, tugging even harder, "Mommy, he landed on his head! And he didn't even bleed! And he got up and ran away!". "That's not possible honey", she replied, making a mental note to cut down on little Johnnys sugar intake as she finished her Snickers bar and went back to her National Enquirer cover story titled, "Woman gives birth to space Alien!".
*Can you guys please tell me what you think? I have more, but if you guys hate it I won't bother to post it*
CHAPTER ONE
Edward Cullen sat on the couch moping. The Cullens had moved to New York after leaving Forks, but Edward didn't care. He hadn't gone out once, and sat on the couch depressed and moping all the time.
He sighed as he sat on the couch wondering if Bella even remembered what he looked like anymore. Or how he sparkled.
CRASH! He turned, temporarily snapped out of his self-pity and depression.
Alice had just dropped a vase. On Rosalie's foot.
"What the HELL?", snapped Rosalie with a glare. "You just wrecked my pedicure!"
Alice stood frozen. Edward, even with his misery-addled brain could see something was up. In a second, he was standing next to Alice and reading her mind.
"No!", he gasped.
In a few minutes, the whole family was gathered, and Alice explained shakily what she had seen.
"It's Bella", she said, staring at the ground. "She jumped off a cliff".
A collective gasp of horror was the only response.
"Suicide?", asked Edward, his mouth a hard line.
"Most likely", Alice nodded.
Before anyone could do anything, Edward ran out the door and disappeared. He didn't even bother to open it first, and bits of wood flew everywhere as he smashed right through it.
"Where did he go?", Esme asked, concerned, staring at the Edward-shaped hole in the door.
Alice concentrated for a moment, then gasped again.
"He's going to try and kill himself!", she cried.
"Can I watch?", asked Emmett eagerly.
"Shut Up, Emmett, this is serious!", Alice moaned, as she hung her head. "He just can't live without Bella, even if he was stupid enough to abandon her"
"We have to go after him!", Esme moaned, "I can't stand to see anything happen to him, oh no!"
"I'm getting flashes of him, I can't see anything clearly, he keeps changing his mind." said Alice.
She sat down and concentrated for several minutes. Nobody moved a muscle until she spoke again.
Alice smiled sarcastically.
"He knows that no one in this family will help him kill himself, so he's going to try and jump off a building.", she said.
"You tried that, right Carlisle?", asked Rosalie, surprised, her beauty crisis momentarily forgotten. "It didn't work, right?"
Carlisle shook his head hopefully.
"Oh don't worry", Alice said dryly. "If that doesn't work, then he has a whole bunch of plans figured out. After that, he'll drink poison, then try a chainsaw, and so many other things."
Emmett cracked up. "Now I REALLY have to watch!", he exclaimed in between loud chuckles. "Edward with a CHAINSAW! Hahahaha!"
Everyone ignored him, not bothering to point out that the fact that Edward was now suicidal was the main point.
"But we are lucky, though", Alice continued.
"How?", Esme moaned. She was slumped on the couch next to Carlisle, head in her hands.
"Well for one thing, I don't really thing that any of those will work, and second, he's forgotten one VERY important thing", Alice replied.
The other Cullens tried to press her to find out what it was, but Alice just shook her head, refusing to say anything more.
CHAPTER TWO
Meanwhile, Edward stood in front of the Empire State Building, attracting a lot of funny looks from passersby. Shoving a little old lady carrying a twenty pound bag of dog food out of the way, he marched forward, into the building.
"May I help you?", asked a receptionist, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously. Edward rolled his eyes and headed towards the elevators.
Elbowing past the line of people waiting for an elevator, ignoring the many evil eyes and shouts of "Hey!", and "Wait your turn, jerk!" aimed at him. He shoved his way into a packed elevator and hit the button for the top floor.
"Rude young man!" snapped a voice. Edward turned. It was the lady with the dog food from outside. Much to the amusement of the other elevator passengers, the lady stepped forward and began hitting Edward with her dog food bag. Edward sighed and tried to resist the urge to grab her and throw her through the wall.
Finally, the elevator reached the top floor, and Edward headed purposefully towards a door marked "Roof".
Meanwhile, outside, the rest of the Cullens reached the building. "He's really going to jump?" asked Esme. Alice nodded. "We must make sure no one sees him" said Esme. "Hey I know!" yelled Emmett gleefully. Then, cupping his hands around his mouth, he yelled, "HEY EVERYONE! FREE HOTDOGS BEHIND THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!". The effect was like magic. Within minutes, the normally busy New York street was practically deserted.
"Look, there he is!", Esme moaned, pointing to a shadowy figure on the roof of the Empire State Building. "Oh No!" Alice gasped and ran off, not wanting him to be able to read her mind.
As the other Cullens tried to shepherd the remaining pedestrians off the street, Edward was staring off the top of the building. "Goodbye, my lovely Bella", he said mournfully, taking out a picture of Bella from his pocket and kissing it.
"Emmett! We DO NOT assault hot dog vendors and steal their carts!" Esmee screeched. "Emmett, put that poor man DOWN, NOW!". She raced off, leaving only Rosalie, Carlisle, and Jasper to deal with persuading an annoyed businessman that he should vacate the vicinity immediately.
Edward heard it all from the top of the building, and had to roll his eyes and suppress a chuckle of amusement. He wondered briefly if death was the only way to go, but then looked again at his photo, his cold, unbeating heart breaking a thousand times as he stared into her smiling face. Shoving the 3x5 rectangle back into his pocket, she stepped forward and leaped.
The Fall seemed like hours to him. His instincts screamed for him to bend his knees so that he would land easily on the ground, but he managed to keep his position head first.
CRASH! With a jarring thud, Edward landed. Picking himself up from the huge crater he'd made on the sidewalk, he felt his head, which was completely scratch and dent free, and looked around. "DAMMIT", he swore, "It didn't work!", he raced away before the other Cullens could catch him, all the while thinking of another suicide possibility.
Meanwhile, on the next block, A small boy tugged his mothers sleeve. "Mommy, Mommy! That man just jumped off the Empire State Building!", She grunted in reply. "But Mommy!" he cried, tugging even harder, "Mommy, he landed on his head! And he didn't even bleed! And he got up and ran away!". "That's not possible honey", she replied, making a mental note to cut down on little Johnnys sugar intake as she finished her Snickers bar and went back to her National Enquirer cover story titled, "Woman gives birth to space Alien!".
*Can you guys please tell me what you think? I have more, but if you guys hate it I won't bother to post it*