1. Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar.
2. Call him The-Guy-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live.
3. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
4. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
5. Ask him when he last took a bath.
6. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again
7. Play "knock and run" at his bedchamber door late at night.
8. Ask him why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something more "sociably acceptable".
9. If you ever need to say "Like taking candy from a baby", be sure to add: '"Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others." Stare pointedly at him.
10. When he tries to impress you with his immense powers, say "Awwwww, lookit, Voldie's got a twiggle!"
11. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like "You're the boss, boss" or "It's your funeral."
12. Buy him eye drops for "that dreadful redness".
13. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic "My sir, you look particularly menacing today."
14. Taunt him about his middle name. "Marvolo? What's that, a washing detergent?"
15. Keep a "good-behavior chart". Award points and give out gold stars.
16. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
17. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...
18. Tell people "he's really just a big softie".
19. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
20. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
21. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
22. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
23. "Did you ever even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?"
24. Encourage him to "think happy thoughts"!
25. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
26. Sign him up for yoga class. Insist it is to "cleanse his soul".
27. Buy him a stress ball.
28. Hide his wand. Make him play the "hot and cold" game in order to get it back.
29. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
30. Call him "Tommy-boy".
31. If you're feeling gutsy, call him "Voldie-poo".
32. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
33. Whack him in the arm and say "mosquito" - every few minutes.
34. If he asks you about his choice of robes, say he looked better under the turban.
35. Begin any question you ask him with "Riddle me this!" Emphasize on Riddle.
36. Imperio his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of "All Things Bright And Beautiful".
37. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.
38. Throw him a Carebears-themed birthday party. Bake him a scar-shaped cake.
39. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
40. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
41. Tell him his plastic surgeon did a terrible job with the "red-eyed snake look," and that he should've had the self confidence to age gracefully.
42. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
43. Ask him if he's sure the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?
44. Tell him Lucius did it.
45. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
46. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say "Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?"
47. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
48. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of "that sweet, innocent, cute little boy".
49. Ask him why he's afraid of an old man who looks like Santa Claus and why he can't fight babies.
50. Sign him up for Little League.
51. Cuddle him at random moments.
52. Tell him that noses are back in style.
53. Be Harry Potter. Be Alive.
54. Call him "Champ" or "Tiger", refer to yourself as "Coach".
55. Ask him where he gets his garlic scented soap.
56. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you
57. ...at Christmas.
58. "Accidentally" schedule him a haircut
59. ...even though he's bald.
60. When he gives you an order, stare blankly at him and drool.
61. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair
62. ...make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.
63. Be offended by everthing he says.
64. Trade in his black robes for bunny feet pajamas.
65. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
P.S. Make sure to print this list on Harry Potter Stationary, get it laminated, and give it to him.
2. Call him The-Guy-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live.
3. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
4. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
5. Ask him when he last took a bath.
6. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again
7. Play "knock and run" at his bedchamber door late at night.
8. Ask him why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something more "sociably acceptable".
9. If you ever need to say "Like taking candy from a baby", be sure to add: '"Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others." Stare pointedly at him.
10. When he tries to impress you with his immense powers, say "Awwwww, lookit, Voldie's got a twiggle!"
11. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like "You're the boss, boss" or "It's your funeral."
12. Buy him eye drops for "that dreadful redness".
13. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic "My sir, you look particularly menacing today."
14. Taunt him about his middle name. "Marvolo? What's that, a washing detergent?"
15. Keep a "good-behavior chart". Award points and give out gold stars.
16. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
17. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...
18. Tell people "he's really just a big softie".
19. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
20. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
21. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
22. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
23. "Did you ever even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?"
24. Encourage him to "think happy thoughts"!
25. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
26. Sign him up for yoga class. Insist it is to "cleanse his soul".
27. Buy him a stress ball.
28. Hide his wand. Make him play the "hot and cold" game in order to get it back.
29. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
30. Call him "Tommy-boy".
31. If you're feeling gutsy, call him "Voldie-poo".
32. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
33. Whack him in the arm and say "mosquito" - every few minutes.
34. If he asks you about his choice of robes, say he looked better under the turban.
35. Begin any question you ask him with "Riddle me this!" Emphasize on Riddle.
36. Imperio his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of "All Things Bright And Beautiful".
37. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.
38. Throw him a Carebears-themed birthday party. Bake him a scar-shaped cake.
39. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
40. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
41. Tell him his plastic surgeon did a terrible job with the "red-eyed snake look," and that he should've had the self confidence to age gracefully.
42. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
43. Ask him if he's sure the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?
44. Tell him Lucius did it.
45. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
46. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say "Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?"
47. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
48. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of "that sweet, innocent, cute little boy".
49. Ask him why he's afraid of an old man who looks like Santa Claus and why he can't fight babies.
50. Sign him up for Little League.
51. Cuddle him at random moments.
52. Tell him that noses are back in style.
53. Be Harry Potter. Be Alive.
54. Call him "Champ" or "Tiger", refer to yourself as "Coach".
55. Ask him where he gets his garlic scented soap.
56. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you
57. ...at Christmas.
58. "Accidentally" schedule him a haircut
59. ...even though he's bald.
60. When he gives you an order, stare blankly at him and drool.
61. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair
62. ...make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.
63. Be offended by everthing he says.
64. Trade in his black robes for bunny feet pajamas.
65. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
P.S. Make sure to print this list on Harry Potter Stationary, get it laminated, and give it to him.
