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Funniest New Year's Resolutions

Opinion by Sheetal1256 posted over a year ago
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Here are some funny New Year's resolutions for 2012...
I will think of a password other than "password" or "hello".

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

I won't worry so much.

I will cut my hair.

I will grow my hair.

I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!

I will be more imaginative.

I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).

I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.

Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.

Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.

Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.

I will always "check for paper" when leaving the restroom.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.
Really Funny New Year Resolutions for 2010
I will be more imaginative.

I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.

I promise to clean my room once a week even though I haven't cleaned it more than once in the last year.

I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.

I will always "check for paper" before and after leaving a public restroom.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case".

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

Never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker.

Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.

Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.

Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.

Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year!

Drink more. Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.

Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.

Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.

Play more computer games. Scientists say they're good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.

Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking - it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.

I will drink less beer, last year I drank enough beer to have kept the Titanic afloat.

I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I had ordered for christmas.

I will drive more carefully, people are starting to notice the dozens of dents in my car.

I will treat my girlfriend better, I won't make her carry all the groceries the next time we go to the market.

I promise to be nice to my dog. I won't starve him to death more than 10 times.... in a month.

I will no longer interfere in a game.

I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.
More Funny New Year's Resolutions for 2011
I will leave my brain at home while going to watch a supposedly scary movies like Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 & 4!

I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I will never again eat a jack fruit before going to a public function.

I resolve to hold my breath and pull in my paunch when I cross my young secretary.

I will stop saying," Ooh, that feels nice" whenever the security guys frisk me at airports.

I resolve not to see any serial or movie in which any dead character is brought alive.

I resolve not to call any phone number of any TV contest as they are always kept off the hook.

I resolve not to swim in any swimming pool without water.

I resolve to stop poisoning my family with my cooking.

My New Year resolution is: 1024 by 968 pixels!

Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

I promise to stick to these resolutions for more than a week (even though I never do).


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3 comments

user photo
XD
posted 10 months ago.
 
user photo
hmmm
Sum of those things r there twice
posted 10 months ago.
 
user photo
big smile
daebakk! XD (trans: awesome)
posted 10 months ago.