I never watched the original Charlie’s Angels. I remember I watched the movie, Full Throttle, which probably explains my deep seeded hatred for the series. And hey, with a new movie out that you wouldn’t know was out unless I told you (And no, you didn’t watch. If you tell me otherwise, you’re lying), now is a great time to play Charlie’s Angels on the Gamecube. Published by the kings of random publishing, Ubisoft, Charlie’s Angels is considered to be the worst license game out there, nothing else compared. I don’t have much say in the matter before I play it, but… yeah, I can feel it just from the start.



So the title screen has this obnoxious intro song that sounds very 2000s that loops over and over. Also, press A for Valid. Because accept was just too lame. So the story is simple. Someone blacks out all of New York for three seconds and steals the Statue of Liberty. Apparently, this is a team of serial thieves that steal national monuments, so they hire the Angles to deal with it, and… ugh, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore do not render well in CGI cutscenes… is what I thought until got to the gameplay. This one random NPC looks fine, but Cameron… oh my god, Cameron baby, what the fuck did they do to you? Her lips are all curled up in this twisted grin and she has this issue with male pattern baldness. As soon as I take a step to the right (With an uncomfortably close camera that already makes me feel ill) I get attacked by these lifeguards and swim suit models. They just come running at me, ready to beat the shit out of me. But of course, they can’t get passed my defenses of… spinning around in one spot as they walked toward me and I knock them down. Also, when you jump, you float slowly to the ground. Yeah, it’s that Godai shit again. I thought I was done with that stupid game. As you go through the level, the game has this annoying habit of using invisible walls right behind you and locking you from backtracking. In beatemups it’s fine because the screen moves with you, but in a 3D environment, it just looks off.
So after that really fun level, we move onto Lucy’s character, who looks pretty bad herself. Kinda looks like a those PS1 Harry Potter models, but with a broken spine. So her style is the exact same, just pick the move that can hit more than one enemy and spam that shit like there’s no tomorrow. I also found out here that enemies can throw weapons, whenever they feel like it. Especially offscreen. So get used to having a good chunk of your health removed because of an attack you couldn’t see coming. And the ladder, the part a lot of people talk about in this game. I counted, it takes thirty four seconds to get to the top and you have to keep holding the D-pad up the entire time. You know what else had a long ladder? Metal Gear Solid 3. Actually, I looked into it. Charlie’s Angels came out one year before MGS3. So did Hideo Kojima look at the brilliance of Charlie’s Angels on Gamecube’s ladder sequence and rip it off completely? Kojima, you were a fraud before your Death Stranding Game Awards 2019 fiasco! Anyway, we get to Barrymore’s character and she looks like she’s got the Michael Meyers mask on, and yes, that is the best looking one. But she plays the worst. Her attacks are way too slow and enemies will always knock your ass around before you even have a chance of hitting them. You just gotta hope they stay in their dumb A.I. stance and hope they all die before you do. Oh, also, that was all one level. The second level is the same shit. Just beat up guys and hope they die before your thumbs wear out from all the button mashing. But now we talk about the biggest issue. The looping level. Not even an hour into the game, on the second level, the game loops. You are stuck on the second level and cannot progress. This is because the game is programmed poorly… Shocker, I know. It was programmed to only continue if you have a Gamecube memory card inserted. I played this on my Wii and had absolutely no intention of saving this game onto my memory card with Wind Waker, Melee, Resident Evil 4, and Killer7, so…. Review over!
Charlie’s Angels on Gamecube is the most boring game I’ve ever played in my entire life. Not only that, but it just makes your thumb sore from the constant button mashing. And with the multitude of other technical issues from the ugly character models to bad level design to the infamous game breaking glitch, this is one of the worst. But is it worse than Full Throttle… Yeah, I’ll have to get back to you on that one.