Wind: Okay, so now all I have to do is collect a bunch of stupid masks in order to kill a bigger stupid mask and save some bullshit land that I don’t even know- Why the fuck am I doing this again?
Tattle: Because if you don’t do something about it, I’ll force you to
Wind: Yeah, I’m sure a little fairy like you can even- (Suddenly hits him) OW! WHAT THE FUCK
Tattle: If you’re done complaining, come and help
Wind: Fine (Quietly) Fucking bitch

Great Fairy: Hello
Wind: AH! AH! AH! AH! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
Great Fairy: I am the Great Fairy. Welcome to my fountain
Wind: Please stop staring at me you god forsaken freak of nature
Great Fairy: Will you please help me find my lost fairies. I will give you a mask to help you find them
Wind: Okay, just… give me the mask, and I’ll look for them
Great Fairy: Here you are (Hands him the mask) Please do find them. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like it I lost them
Wind: Yeah, sure
Tattle: So, are you going to go and look for them
Wind: Yeah, fuck that. I’m not going near that fucking thing again

Kafei's Mother: Oh, please help. My little boy is lost
Wind: And you’re telling me…. why?
Kafei’s Mother: I need someone to help look for him
Wind: Okay, and?
Kafei’s Mother: Please find him. I can’t imagine a world without my little boy
Wind: I really don’t care, lady. I hate children
Kafei’s Mother: So you’ll do it
Wind: That’s not what I-
Tattle: We’ll do it
Kafei’s Mother: Oh thank you. (Holds out Kafei Mask) Here, use this mask and ask everyone if they have seen him
Wind: Haven’t you ever heard of a photo? It would probably take less time than just making an entire mask
Kafei’s Mother: Just do it
Wind: Okay, jesus (At least we have the damn mask)

Guru Guru: I was once part of a music group
Wind: Uh huh
Guru Guru: All of them were animals
Wind: Yep
Guru Guru: The leader was a dog, but I never liked him
Wind: Interesting
Guru Guru: So, I stole his mask from him
Wind: Fascinating
Guru Guru: Here, you can have the mask (Hands Wind Berman’s Mask)
Wind: Thanks, drug addict

Kamaro: (Dancing) Listen, young one. My time on this world has come to an end. I need someone to spread my dance across the world. Will you take this task
Wind: Sure, why not
Kamaro: Thank you. Here, take this mask and spread my dance (Hands Wind the Kamaro’s Mask and disappears)
Wind: …. Well, I’m done
Tattle: Aren’t you gonna spread that dance
Wind: (Laughs hysterically) Oh, god. Fuck no

Sakon: (Runs over to an old lady and steals her bag)
Old Lady: Help! Thief!
Wind: (Watches)
Tattle: Uh, Wind, are you going to-
Wind: Give me a second……. (Takes out a sword and stabs Sakon) Okay, I’m done
Old Lady: Oh, thank you, young girl
Wind: ……. uh huh
Old Lady: Here, have this as a gift (Hands him the Blast Mask)
Wind: What’s this?
Old Lady: It allows you to blow up anything you want
Wind: WOW, REALLY! THAT’S AWESOME! I think I’ll keep this mask to myself

Wind: (Wearing the Berman’s Mask, walking around while leading a group of Cuccos)
Tattle: Uh, Wind… are you okay
Wind: (Keeps marching with the chickens)
Tattle: Wind, you’re scaring me now
Wind: (Keeps marching)
Tattle: Wind, stop it!
Wind: (Stops) What!?
Tattle: What the hell were you doing
Wind: I gotta march around these chickens until they grow into fully grown Cuccos in order to get the Bunny Hood, which increases my speed and jump, and I can move a lot faster. Now, shut the fuck up and let me get to work (Continues marching)

Curiosity Shop Keeper: Here, have this mask (Hands Wind the Keaton Mask)
Wind: …….. What’s the catch
Curiosity Shop Keeper: You’ll see soon enough. This whole meeting is part of a much larger sidequest later on that you will have to do to get a worthless mask
Wind: Wait, what?

Postman: (Cowering) I don’t want to die
Wind: Believe it man. You’re going to die. The moon is right outside and is ready to crush the world. However, before you die, I need you to be useful. I need you to deliver this letter to some fat cow in town
Postman: I don’t deliver to bovines
Wind: I mean some fat woman, okay? Can you do it
Postman: Okay. I’ll try (Jogs slowly)
Wind: ….. You really don’t seem to be in much of a hurry for a guy about to be crushed by the fucking moon
Postman: Don’t worry, we’ll get there
(5 Minutes Later)
Postman: (At the woman’s house) We made it
Wind: You know, five minutes isn’t a lot, but in a moment where the moon is literally coming down, five minutes is like a fucking eternity
Postman: (Delivers the letter) Okay, I’m done. Here, you can have my hat. I won’t be needing it anymore (Hands Wind the Postman Hat)
Wind: Okay, good. Now, go die somewhere else now
Postman: With pleasure (Leaves)

Wind: (Stabbing spiders) Man, this is a lot of fun
Tattle: (Sarcastically) I’m sure it is
Wind: (Kills thirty of them) Oh boy, what do I win (Wind is rewarded with the Mask of Truth) What the fuck is this ugly thing? (Puts it on)
Spiritual Stone: Welcome, young one
Wind: Well, I can talk to rocks now…. What a piece of shit mask

Deku Butler: Catch me if you can
Wind: You know I will. Trust me
(3 Seconds Later)
Deku Butler: (Shoots fire at Wind)
Wind: OH GOD, WHAT THE FUCK
(Afterwards)
Deku Butler: Sorry about that. Racing with you reminded me of when I raced with my son
Wind: (Covered in burns) You threw fireballs at your fucking son?!
Deku Butler: No, just you
Wind: ……..
Deku Butler: Anyway, I hope you will accept this as an apology (Give Wind the Mask of Scents)
Wind: Hey, thanks. Hey, I actually know where your son is. He’s in this little cave underneath the clock tower in Clock Town. You should go meet him
Deku Butler: REALLY! I must go. I will be so happy to see him aga-
(Later)
Deku Butler: (Finds the dead Deku Sprout) …………………………………..

Wind: Man, fighting that goat was a real challenge
(10 Minutes Earlier)
Goht: Welcome, human. Please, make yourself at ho- (Wind stabs Goht in the face)
(Present)
Wind: And it’s a good thing we got the mask from that one Goron who was nice enough to just give it to us
(1 Hour Earlier)
Goron: (Frozen to death, with Don Gero’s Mask on top of his head)
Wind: Oh, here’s another mask (Takes it off the Goron’s head)
(Present)
Wind: Let’s see what I can do (Looks at a frog)
Frog: Hello
Wind: Don’t I have enough masks that talk to stupid creatures and non-living things

Gorman Brothers: Who are you
Wind: I’m Wind. And I hear you have a mask. I want it
Gorman Brothers: Well, you’ll have to beat us in a race
Wind: Fair enough
Gorman Brothers: Okay, on your marks. Get set. (Wind shoots both of them in the leg with an arrow)
Wind: Go (Runs, leaving the Gorman Brothers to lie on the ground in pain, and makes it to the finish line) Made it. I’ll take that mask now (Takes the Garo’s Mask)

Cremia: Okay, do you think you could watch out for those bandits
Wind: Please, I have the perfect plan (Sits in the back of the wagon)
Cremia: Okay, good (Rides to Clock Town)
Gorman Brothers: There she is. (Puts on bandit disguises and rides towards the wagon)
Cremia: Here they come
Wind: I got it (Aims bow and arrow)
(10 Seconds Later)
(Both of the Gorman Brothers lie dead on the ground, covered in arrows)
Cremia: Oh…. well…. that’s one way to solve it. Well….. thanks. Here… have this (Gives Wind the Romani’s Mask) You can use it to get into the Milk Bar
Wind: Awesome. Now I can get drunk all I want

Wind: (Finds Captain Keeta’s skeleton and its his dead body) Come on, move you stupid pile of bones
Captain Keeta: (Wakes up) Who dares awaken me
Wind: I dare, that’s who. Move your lumbering ass out of the way
Captain Keeta: So, you challenge me to a duel, do you?
Wind: No, but if you don’t move, I will kill you
Captain Keeta: So be it. Then let us fight to the de-
Wind: (Stabs his face multiple times and kills him, and takes the Captain’s Hat)
Tattle: Wind, will you stop killing people
Wind: Will you stop being a naggy bitch? I mean, this guy was dead already. Now he’s double dead, so shut up already.

Soldier: Young boy, help. I need some potion
Wind: Uh… you’re dead
Soldier: No I am not. I am perfectly alive
Wind: You are a ghost, man
Soldier: Please, help. I’ll give you a mask
Wind: Better idea. I’ll just take it. It’s literally right there
Soldier: You will do no such thing. Now get help or- (Wind takes the Stone Mask and leaves)
Soldier: ……………. Damn it

Wind: (Plays music on stage)
Gorman: (Cries) That music was beautiful
Wind: It’s better than the shit they were playing before. I mean, Nickelback? Fucking really?
Gorman: Here, have this (Gives Wind the Troupe Leader Mask)
Wind: Thanks
Gorman: I just hope that you’ll put it to good use. Maybe see if you can help my brothers
Wind: Yeah… help your brothers…. good idea

Wind: Really? five hundred fucking rupees
Curiosity Shop Keeper: Take it or leave it
Wind: You cheap asshole (Pays for the All-Night Mask)

Wind: Okay, so where is that mask?
Pamela’s Father: (Pops out of a wardrobe as a Gibdo and walks over to Wind)
Wind: HOLY SHIT (Takes out his sword)
Pamela: (Runs over) Stop. Don’t hurt him. My father isn’t a bad man, he’s just not feeling right
Wind: Are you serious. Look at him. He’s a fucking monstrosity!
Pamela: I know he looks bad, but I am sure if you look deep inside your heart-
(5 Minutes Later)
Tattle: You…. you killed them
Wind: Yep
Tattle: You killed a little girl and her father
Wind: I slaughtered them like pigs
Tattle: And not once did you think of using the Ocarina
Wind: Oh yeah, I could have used that… well, no good now. I still got the Gibdo Mask. So, are you proud of me now
Tattle: Eat me

Wind: (Wearing the Giant's Mask, making him grow) HOLY SHIT, THIS IS AWESOME! Wait until Clock Town sees this
(Later, in Clock Town)
Wind: WHAT THE FUCK! WHY WON’T THIS MASK WORK! DOES IT SERIOUSLY WORK IN ONLY THAT ONE ROOM! FUCK THIS SHIT!

Wind: Hey, I know you.
Kafei: You do?
Wind: Yeah, you’re lazy bitch mother sent me to look for you
Kafei: Oh… is that so… um, can you do me a favor
Wind: Oh, do I even have a fucking choice
Kafei: Can you deliver this pendant to my fiance, Anju
Wind: Sure, why not
(Later)
Anju: Hello, and welcome to the Crockpot Inn
Wind: Yeah, that’s great. Listen, some midget with purple hair told me to give you this (Gives Anju the pendant)
Anju: Oh, my. This is Kafei’s
Wind: So that’s what his name was
Anju: I’ll wait for him here. Just let him now
(Later)
Kafei: Okay, good. Now we can do it
Wind: Do what?
Kafei. I can’t marry her without my mask
Wind: …… I’m sorry, what?
Kafei: In Clock Town, we can only get married when we both have our masks, and mine was stolen by a thief
Wind: I think I know who it is
(Later that night)
Sakon: (Walking down the street) It’s a good thing I got that knife wound stitched up
Wind: (Stabs Sakon in the stomach)
Sakon: Not again (Falls on the ground)
Wind: (Loots Sakon’s body) I’ll be taking this money, these stolen goods… fuck it, I’ll take your pants too, and I’ll take this mask back
(Later)
Curiosity Shop Keeper: Here, have this mask
Wind: Oh, so THAT’S what you were talking about
(Later)
Kafei: (With Anju) Finally, now we can be together (Combines his and Anju’s masks making the Couples Mask)
Tattle: Oh, it’s so touching, isn’t it Wi-
Wind: Great for both of you. (Takes the Couple’s Mask) Okay, well, the moon will be crashing in about a couple seconds, so have fun dying (Leaves)

Majora: Now, boy, are you ready to fight
Wind: Pfff. Of course I am. I gave away all of my masks, even the ones I stole from dead guys
(3 Days Ago)
Wind: (Wind is in Deku form finds the dead Deku Sprout) So that’s what I’ve turned into
(3 Hours Later)
Wind: Well, I hope this Goron won’t mind me robbing his grave
(3 Hours Later)
Zoron: (Dies on the beach)
Wind: Fuck yeah, free stuff (Takes Zoron Mask)
(Present)
Wind: And now, I have this (Shows Majora the Fierce Deity’s Mask)
Majora: Ha, you really think that will work. You have no hope in- (Wind starts stabbing Majora violently, not stopping until Majora dies)

Tattle: Well Wind, I guess we did it
Wind: Ha ha ha! No, Tattle. We didn’t do it. I did it. I did all the work. Stop saying it like you did a fucking thing
Tattle: So, are you leaving
Wind: Well, let’s see. I could go and possibly do more stupid shit, or stay with a nagging bitch like you.. So yeah, I’m leaving. Take care
Tattle: Okay. Bye- Wait, Wind, did you ever stop the moon
Wind: (Chuckles)
Tattle: Wind! (The moon starts falling towards Clock Town)
Tattle: WIND!