"What? Why? Why'd she leave? Shes has to come back! She has to! Where'd she go? Why didn---" I was speaking a thousand words a second. Blair put her hands on my shoulders, and shook me a little bit. I shut up.
"Shelby. Calm down. I know this is scary and... confusing." Tears streaked down my cheeks. What about Paige? Kirsten? Sage? Were they still here? Was I the only one left behind? "Your sisters are still asleep. Paige is downstairs. She knows."
"H-- How could she leave us-- s?" I stuttered. I couldn't see clearly through my tears. I squeezed my eyes shut and cried. Blair pulled me into a hug.
"It's ok, sweetie... You'll be fine... Your sisters and you are going to live with us, ok?" I cried for about a half hour. Then I calmed down enough, and Blair offered to make me breakfast. Paige came upstairs, her eyes empty and dead. More tears flowed when I saw her, and then she hugged me, and we both cried. "...Do you girls want pancakes for breakfast?" Blair asked. I shook my head.
"I'm not hungry," I said quietly.
"Me neither," Paige whispered. "But thanks anyways."
Paige and I went into my room, and sat on my bed. Paige's sorrow passed, and now she was furious.
"How could she leave us like this?! She's so fucking self-centered! She probably ran back to Matt. Now that she could dump us off at a relative's house, she's free to do whatever the hell she wants!" She groaned, shaking her head back and forth. I kind of felt like I should move, in case she wanted to punch something to get rid of her anger, I wouldn't be the first target. But I stayed where I was.
"Guys?" Sage asked, coming in. "Where's Mommy?"I pursed my lips, and looked at Paige. Kirsten came in, and the look on her face told us she was wondering the same thing. Paige sighed. I opened my arms, and Sage crawled into my lap, laying her head against my chest. Already, she knew something was wrong. Kirsten climbed onto the bed too, and looked at Paige with a worried look.
"Where is she?" she asked, the tension growing in her voice.
"Mom... left...." Paige said. She still couldn't believe it either.
"No...!" Sage whined. She burst into tears next, burying her face in my shirt. I hugged her close, pitying her. I'm sure she needed Mom more than any of us. She was just a little kid. And what about Auburn? She's grow up without having a mother at all, even less than we'd had her.
"Where'd she go?" Kirsten whimpered.
"Who knows. She left us," I said through my teeth. I rubbed Sage's back, and took a deep breath. I wouldn't cry in front of Kirsten and Sage. Maybe if they thought I didn't care, they would see that it wasn't a big deal Mom was gone, and that we'd be fine.
But each tear I fought back, my heart broke more and more, leaving splinters in me.
"We're going to be fine," Paige told Sage. Sage had calmed down a little bit. She wiped away her tears with her sleeve. "We're going to stay here with Blair, James, and Jori, ok?" She nodded, but she was still not happy.
"She lied," I said blankly. Paige looked at me. "She said she'd come back. But she won't."
"Maybe she will," Kirsten said, somewhat hopefully.
"She took all her stuff," I snapped. "Why would she take everything? Just forget her, Kirsten. She's not coming back. Just like my dad," I said. My heart shattered even more. Neither of my parents wanted me...
"And mine," Kirsten reminded me. "They both left... With no reason at all."
"What?" Paige said. She paused for a moment. "Kirsten, Mom doesn't know who your dad is...?" Kirsten furrowed her eyebrows.
"Yes she does...? He lived with us, and when I was born, he left. Without saying anything." The story rang a bell. Oh no...
"No," Paige said, shaking her head. "I remember. Mom doesn't know who he is, Kirsten. I'm sorry, but..."
"Paige," I said, closing my eyes. I was afraid to ask. "What about my dad? Do you remember anything about him?" Paige had been three, but maybe she remembered something.
"Uhm... I think... He just left. When Mom told him. I remember them arguing, and then he left." I sighed. "What?"
"That's what Mom told me. What she told Kirsten." Paige pursed her lips, and shook her head sadly.
"I know that's not what happened," Paige sighed. "Sorry." I focused all my strength on not crying.
"It doesn't matter," I said. "She's a liar. I should've known it wasn't the truth."
We were with each other basically all day. Finally, Blair called us down for dinner. I was starving. She stared at us, worried as she set the table. Jori didn't speak to us, and James frowned sadly.
"How're you girls holding up?" Blair asked quietly. I shrugged. I didn't see or hear anyone else respond. James cleared his throat.
"Well, you girls can live here. You are our family now. You know that, right?" I nodded limply, even though it wasn't true. This wasn't my family. They were too perfect. Too kind. I was just an intruder.
"Thank you," Paige said.
After dinner, I went and took a shower. I turned the water burning hot. Each drop felt like a red hot flame licking at my body. My skin felt like it'd peel right off. It felt better when I got out, but it still hurt; not the hot water.
I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I tossed and turned, unable to find it.
When I finally found sleep, I was woken up within minutes, from a terrible nightmare. I sat up real quick in the bed, awakening from a nightmare where I was falling. The bed felt like it'd just crashed through the ceiling; I could almost hear the loud crash ringing in my ears. I sat there in the darkness, my head in my hands, panting.
I needed to do something. What that was, I didn't know. I needed something to get rid of this pain. I couldn't take it. I got up in bed, pacing around the room for about twenty minutes. My mind was racing for solutions to this pain. But I couldn't think straight. I considered going to the basement, to talk to Paige, but I denied that thought. I didn't want to wake her up. Plus, I wasn't sure there was anything to talk about. Our mother had just abandoned us, and I'd found out that the story about my long-lost father was a lie. No big deal.
I went downstairs to the kitchen. I don't know exact;y how I'd gotten there, I just found myself there. I walked around the first floor for a while, my head spinning. I stared at the couch, that had been my mother's bed for the past couple weeks. It was empty. Gone. Worthless. Stupid. I shook my head and walked into the other room, looking for something. Anything.
I was walking in the kitchen, when I saw it. I stood there for a while, trying to make a judgement. I bit my lip. Was this really what I needed? I flicked on the light, and slowly reached to the counter, and grabbed the knife. I poked my finger lightly with it, examining it and my actions. I knew I was being irrational about this, but I couldn't bring myself to care.
I reached to the top of my head, and grabbed some of my hair. It was a small amount, but I didn't care. Then I could do this longer. I placed the knife to it, and moved it back and forth, cutting it off. It hurt, feeling the ridges in the knife grind across each strand, slicing it. It stung a bit, bringing tears to my eyes. But I didn't mind. I cut more pieces of my hair, only the top layer so far.
'Soon, not even this pain was enough. Taking a deep breath, I dragged the blade from my wrist down to the crease in my elbow, hissing at the sharp pain. The blood oozed out from the cut, forming a thin red line down my arm. It wasn't thin for long though. It bled a generous amount, but not enough to worry me. I bit my lip, and traced another line down my arm, an inch away from the other. The relief was amazing. It made me forget, which is what I'd been craving this whole day. I sat on the kitchen floor, the knife in my hands, and the blood dripping at a steady pace down my arm. Salty tears poured down my face, and I welcomely let them flow.
"Shelby?!" My eyes snapped up, to see Blair gaping at me. I dropped the knife, and it clattered to the floor in a bloody mess. "Shelby, what are you doing?!" she asked. I looked at her, then down at my arm. I clenched my hand into a fist, and the blood squeezed out more. I whimpered, and then broke into a sob. I looked at Blair, wanting her to go away. I didn't want her pity, and I didn't want her comfort either. "Oh my God, Shelby," she said. She dropped to the floor, and wrapped her arms around me. "Sweetie, I know this is so hard...." I cried more. Not because I was embarrassed; but because she was right.
"It hurts," I sobbed. "Missing her. I hate her, but I miss her so much."
"I know, Sweetie. I know you do... But I want to help." I hugged her back then. I wrapped my arms around her neck, getting blood all over her nightgown.
"Shelby. Calm down. I know this is scary and... confusing." Tears streaked down my cheeks. What about Paige? Kirsten? Sage? Were they still here? Was I the only one left behind? "Your sisters are still asleep. Paige is downstairs. She knows."
"H-- How could she leave us-- s?" I stuttered. I couldn't see clearly through my tears. I squeezed my eyes shut and cried. Blair pulled me into a hug.
"It's ok, sweetie... You'll be fine... Your sisters and you are going to live with us, ok?" I cried for about a half hour. Then I calmed down enough, and Blair offered to make me breakfast. Paige came upstairs, her eyes empty and dead. More tears flowed when I saw her, and then she hugged me, and we both cried. "...Do you girls want pancakes for breakfast?" Blair asked. I shook my head.
"I'm not hungry," I said quietly.
"Me neither," Paige whispered. "But thanks anyways."
Paige and I went into my room, and sat on my bed. Paige's sorrow passed, and now she was furious.
"How could she leave us like this?! She's so fucking self-centered! She probably ran back to Matt. Now that she could dump us off at a relative's house, she's free to do whatever the hell she wants!" She groaned, shaking her head back and forth. I kind of felt like I should move, in case she wanted to punch something to get rid of her anger, I wouldn't be the first target. But I stayed where I was.
"Guys?" Sage asked, coming in. "Where's Mommy?"I pursed my lips, and looked at Paige. Kirsten came in, and the look on her face told us she was wondering the same thing. Paige sighed. I opened my arms, and Sage crawled into my lap, laying her head against my chest. Already, she knew something was wrong. Kirsten climbed onto the bed too, and looked at Paige with a worried look.
"Where is she?" she asked, the tension growing in her voice.
"Mom... left...." Paige said. She still couldn't believe it either.
"No...!" Sage whined. She burst into tears next, burying her face in my shirt. I hugged her close, pitying her. I'm sure she needed Mom more than any of us. She was just a little kid. And what about Auburn? She's grow up without having a mother at all, even less than we'd had her.
"Where'd she go?" Kirsten whimpered.
"Who knows. She left us," I said through my teeth. I rubbed Sage's back, and took a deep breath. I wouldn't cry in front of Kirsten and Sage. Maybe if they thought I didn't care, they would see that it wasn't a big deal Mom was gone, and that we'd be fine.
But each tear I fought back, my heart broke more and more, leaving splinters in me.
"We're going to be fine," Paige told Sage. Sage had calmed down a little bit. She wiped away her tears with her sleeve. "We're going to stay here with Blair, James, and Jori, ok?" She nodded, but she was still not happy.
"She lied," I said blankly. Paige looked at me. "She said she'd come back. But she won't."
"Maybe she will," Kirsten said, somewhat hopefully.
"She took all her stuff," I snapped. "Why would she take everything? Just forget her, Kirsten. She's not coming back. Just like my dad," I said. My heart shattered even more. Neither of my parents wanted me...
"And mine," Kirsten reminded me. "They both left... With no reason at all."
"What?" Paige said. She paused for a moment. "Kirsten, Mom doesn't know who your dad is...?" Kirsten furrowed her eyebrows.
"Yes she does...? He lived with us, and when I was born, he left. Without saying anything." The story rang a bell. Oh no...
"No," Paige said, shaking her head. "I remember. Mom doesn't know who he is, Kirsten. I'm sorry, but..."
"Paige," I said, closing my eyes. I was afraid to ask. "What about my dad? Do you remember anything about him?" Paige had been three, but maybe she remembered something.
"Uhm... I think... He just left. When Mom told him. I remember them arguing, and then he left." I sighed. "What?"
"That's what Mom told me. What she told Kirsten." Paige pursed her lips, and shook her head sadly.
"I know that's not what happened," Paige sighed. "Sorry." I focused all my strength on not crying.
"It doesn't matter," I said. "She's a liar. I should've known it wasn't the truth."
We were with each other basically all day. Finally, Blair called us down for dinner. I was starving. She stared at us, worried as she set the table. Jori didn't speak to us, and James frowned sadly.
"How're you girls holding up?" Blair asked quietly. I shrugged. I didn't see or hear anyone else respond. James cleared his throat.
"Well, you girls can live here. You are our family now. You know that, right?" I nodded limply, even though it wasn't true. This wasn't my family. They were too perfect. Too kind. I was just an intruder.
"Thank you," Paige said.
After dinner, I went and took a shower. I turned the water burning hot. Each drop felt like a red hot flame licking at my body. My skin felt like it'd peel right off. It felt better when I got out, but it still hurt; not the hot water.
I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I tossed and turned, unable to find it.
When I finally found sleep, I was woken up within minutes, from a terrible nightmare. I sat up real quick in the bed, awakening from a nightmare where I was falling. The bed felt like it'd just crashed through the ceiling; I could almost hear the loud crash ringing in my ears. I sat there in the darkness, my head in my hands, panting.
I needed to do something. What that was, I didn't know. I needed something to get rid of this pain. I couldn't take it. I got up in bed, pacing around the room for about twenty minutes. My mind was racing for solutions to this pain. But I couldn't think straight. I considered going to the basement, to talk to Paige, but I denied that thought. I didn't want to wake her up. Plus, I wasn't sure there was anything to talk about. Our mother had just abandoned us, and I'd found out that the story about my long-lost father was a lie. No big deal.
I went downstairs to the kitchen. I don't know exact;y how I'd gotten there, I just found myself there. I walked around the first floor for a while, my head spinning. I stared at the couch, that had been my mother's bed for the past couple weeks. It was empty. Gone. Worthless. Stupid. I shook my head and walked into the other room, looking for something. Anything.
I was walking in the kitchen, when I saw it. I stood there for a while, trying to make a judgement. I bit my lip. Was this really what I needed? I flicked on the light, and slowly reached to the counter, and grabbed the knife. I poked my finger lightly with it, examining it and my actions. I knew I was being irrational about this, but I couldn't bring myself to care.
I reached to the top of my head, and grabbed some of my hair. It was a small amount, but I didn't care. Then I could do this longer. I placed the knife to it, and moved it back and forth, cutting it off. It hurt, feeling the ridges in the knife grind across each strand, slicing it. It stung a bit, bringing tears to my eyes. But I didn't mind. I cut more pieces of my hair, only the top layer so far.
'Soon, not even this pain was enough. Taking a deep breath, I dragged the blade from my wrist down to the crease in my elbow, hissing at the sharp pain. The blood oozed out from the cut, forming a thin red line down my arm. It wasn't thin for long though. It bled a generous amount, but not enough to worry me. I bit my lip, and traced another line down my arm, an inch away from the other. The relief was amazing. It made me forget, which is what I'd been craving this whole day. I sat on the kitchen floor, the knife in my hands, and the blood dripping at a steady pace down my arm. Salty tears poured down my face, and I welcomely let them flow.
"Shelby?!" My eyes snapped up, to see Blair gaping at me. I dropped the knife, and it clattered to the floor in a bloody mess. "Shelby, what are you doing?!" she asked. I looked at her, then down at my arm. I clenched my hand into a fist, and the blood squeezed out more. I whimpered, and then broke into a sob. I looked at Blair, wanting her to go away. I didn't want her pity, and I didn't want her comfort either. "Oh my God, Shelby," she said. She dropped to the floor, and wrapped her arms around me. "Sweetie, I know this is so hard...." I cried more. Not because I was embarrassed; but because she was right.
"It hurts," I sobbed. "Missing her. I hate her, but I miss her so much."
"I know, Sweetie. I know you do... But I want to help." I hugged her back then. I wrapped my arms around her neck, getting blood all over her nightgown.
