This is a short extract from the story I'm writing (Symbus). If you could please give me some feeeback on my style of writing and possibly some things I could improve it would be a big help. Thank you. :D
‘This is Princess Alyssia Renesme of the Fire Kingdom.’ He paused pointedly. ‘I’ll sell her to you for 300 gold pieces, and I think we both know that’s generous.’
‘You bastard!’ Alyss screeched.
‘Do you think I’m a fool? There’s no way in hell that’s her. But I’ll give you 50 silver pieces for her…We’ll have some fun anyway, wont we, love?’ He winked and chuckled. She choked on the tears in her throat as she gasped in terror.
In one liquid, lightning fast movement Jesse drew his sword and placed it against his stubbly neck. ‘I’ll thank you to mind your manners, Coin.’ he snarled.
‘Don’t talk to me about manners, boy! You’re the one selling her.’
He gave an acknowledging nod and raised his eyebrows. ‘That’s an excellent point. But do you know what the difference between you and me is?’ he purred.
‘Tell me.’ Coin challenged, expecting some overzealous, self-righteous spiel about how what he was doing was right. Jesse pressed the sword harder against his neck and whispered, ‘I don’t have a sword against my throat. So if I were you, I’d watch my tongue.’ Coin stopped grinning, looked him straight in the eye, did everything he could to muster some respect and nodded. ‘Now, you must have a sketch or something that can settle this for us.’
He grimaced at Alyss’s loud, mucussy sobbing. ‘Do something about her would you?’
He returned the dagger to its sheath and clamped his hand over her mouth. ‘Do you?’
‘I do, out back. But it’s not going to help your case, Jesse.’
‘Get it.’ he ordered.
Coin shuffled around the jumbled plethora of scrolls he’d thrown into a wooden trunk out the back of his shop.
Jesse was so different from when he’d seen him a few months ago. He’d been in with his brother, sent to sell some odds and ends from home. The boy he’d met then was polite and jovial and happy. He didn’t know who this ruthless beast was but he wasn’t the boy from back then. And what was this business with selling some girl? Did he really expect him to believe it? He’d really gone off the deep end, poor kid.
Then he remembered something one of his customers was talking about a few days ago. Something about the Princess going missing. At the time he’d dismissed it as idle gossip. But it couldn’t really be her could it? Course not. What would Jesse be doing with her?
Finally he found the scroll he’d been looking for. He wandered out the front of the shop and unrolled it. Holding each end he held it up to the sobbing girl’s red, puffy face. He couldn’t believe what he saw.
‘Good lord, Jesse! What the hell have you gotten yourself into?’
He looked him in the eye with a cold expression soaking his features. ‘400 gold pieces.’
‘You said 300.’
‘You made me wait.’
He sighed. He didn’t feel right about this but it was an opportunity he’d be a fool to let pass. Whatever Jesse was offering, the next person would pay twice as much. He was worried about who that might be, though. If he agreed, her future would either be prostitution, torture, slavery, or a public execution. He pushed the thought aside.
‘Deal.’ he croaked.
‘This is Princess Alyssia Renesme of the Fire Kingdom.’ He paused pointedly. ‘I’ll sell her to you for 300 gold pieces, and I think we both know that’s generous.’
‘You bastard!’ Alyss screeched.
‘Do you think I’m a fool? There’s no way in hell that’s her. But I’ll give you 50 silver pieces for her…We’ll have some fun anyway, wont we, love?’ He winked and chuckled. She choked on the tears in her throat as she gasped in terror.
In one liquid, lightning fast movement Jesse drew his sword and placed it against his stubbly neck. ‘I’ll thank you to mind your manners, Coin.’ he snarled.
‘Don’t talk to me about manners, boy! You’re the one selling her.’
He gave an acknowledging nod and raised his eyebrows. ‘That’s an excellent point. But do you know what the difference between you and me is?’ he purred.
‘Tell me.’ Coin challenged, expecting some overzealous, self-righteous spiel about how what he was doing was right. Jesse pressed the sword harder against his neck and whispered, ‘I don’t have a sword against my throat. So if I were you, I’d watch my tongue.’ Coin stopped grinning, looked him straight in the eye, did everything he could to muster some respect and nodded. ‘Now, you must have a sketch or something that can settle this for us.’
He grimaced at Alyss’s loud, mucussy sobbing. ‘Do something about her would you?’
He returned the dagger to its sheath and clamped his hand over her mouth. ‘Do you?’
‘I do, out back. But it’s not going to help your case, Jesse.’
‘Get it.’ he ordered.
Coin shuffled around the jumbled plethora of scrolls he’d thrown into a wooden trunk out the back of his shop.
Jesse was so different from when he’d seen him a few months ago. He’d been in with his brother, sent to sell some odds and ends from home. The boy he’d met then was polite and jovial and happy. He didn’t know who this ruthless beast was but he wasn’t the boy from back then. And what was this business with selling some girl? Did he really expect him to believe it? He’d really gone off the deep end, poor kid.
Then he remembered something one of his customers was talking about a few days ago. Something about the Princess going missing. At the time he’d dismissed it as idle gossip. But it couldn’t really be her could it? Course not. What would Jesse be doing with her?
Finally he found the scroll he’d been looking for. He wandered out the front of the shop and unrolled it. Holding each end he held it up to the sobbing girl’s red, puffy face. He couldn’t believe what he saw.
‘Good lord, Jesse! What the hell have you gotten yourself into?’
He looked him in the eye with a cold expression soaking his features. ‘400 gold pieces.’
‘You said 300.’
‘You made me wait.’
He sighed. He didn’t feel right about this but it was an opportunity he’d be a fool to let pass. Whatever Jesse was offering, the next person would pay twice as much. He was worried about who that might be, though. If he agreed, her future would either be prostitution, torture, slavery, or a public execution. He pushed the thought aside.
‘Deal.’ he croaked.
I do not own this. I did not write it, and I do not know the author. I just really like this and wanted to share it.
Who will you be
when faced with the end;
the end of a kingdom,
the end of good men.
Will you run?
Will you hide?
Or will you hunt down evil
with a venomous pride?
Rise to the ashes,
rise to the winter sky,
rise to the calling,
make heard the battle cry.
Let it scream from the mountains
From the forest to the chapel.
Because death is a hungry mouth
and you are the apple.
So who will you be
when faced with the end?
When the vultures are circling
and the shadows descend.
Will you cower,
or will you fight?
Is your heart made of glass?
Or a pure snow white?
Who will you be
when faced with the end;
the end of a kingdom,
the end of good men.
Will you run?
Will you hide?
Or will you hunt down evil
with a venomous pride?
Rise to the ashes,
rise to the winter sky,
rise to the calling,
make heard the battle cry.
Let it scream from the mountains
From the forest to the chapel.
Because death is a hungry mouth
and you are the apple.
So who will you be
when faced with the end?
When the vultures are circling
and the shadows descend.
Will you cower,
or will you fight?
Is your heart made of glass?
Or a pure snow white?
tell me why i miss you
why did i have feelings for you?
i wish i could answer these questions on my own,
but i cant.
honestly, they only thing that i want right now is you.
i dont know why i still miss you,
i dont understand why i really want another chance
what i really dont get is why you wont let me show you that ive changed
back then i didnt know any better
after going on intercession, ive grown alot
in all honesty, yesterday really made me think about things
it opened my eyes, and changed the way i felt.
i didn't really know you,
i wanted to get away,
now, i realize i was wrong, and im sorry.
i hate that we dont talk anymore
i wish we still do.
i hope you read this,
and forgive me, so we can start over again.
Hi, my name is Hikaru.
What's yours :)
why did i have feelings for you?
i wish i could answer these questions on my own,
but i cant.
honestly, they only thing that i want right now is you.
i dont know why i still miss you,
i dont understand why i really want another chance
what i really dont get is why you wont let me show you that ive changed
back then i didnt know any better
after going on intercession, ive grown alot
in all honesty, yesterday really made me think about things
it opened my eyes, and changed the way i felt.
i didn't really know you,
i wanted to get away,
now, i realize i was wrong, and im sorry.
i hate that we dont talk anymore
i wish we still do.
i hope you read this,
and forgive me, so we can start over again.
Hi, my name is Hikaru.
What's yours :)
I intend to bring up a term that I am sure that you have all already herd of. Global warming. It is slowly, but surely killing us all! We need to unite as a team to stop global warming and save the world. Global warming is heating up the earth because of some people's bad choices, should we suffer because of that? NO! Global warming is killing inoccent animals and people, we could save them. Global warming is caused by pollution and over usage of electrisity. Start today. Turn off lights when you leave the room, don't leave anything on that doesn't need to be on. Start helping today. Save the world join me. Be happy. Help me create a better place for everyone.