Me Myself and I
By Rita Skeeter
Today's interview is with popular fantasy book character, Bella Swan. Captivating readers in Twilight, read on as I interview Bella, and see if there's more to her than just an obsession with Edward!
*The door opens, and in walks Bella......with Edward.*
Bella Swan: Can Edward please come?
Rita Skeeter: Sorry, *huge grin*....NO!
BS: *whines* Pleeeeease?
RS: *I flash my famous "no-way-but I'll-still-pretend-to-be-nice" grin and shake my head*
*Edward mutters something in Bella's ear, and Bella nods and smiles as she sits down in my chair. I shake my head....I can tell when somethings up. I wave my wand, and with a flash of purple light, I hear a loud, "OUCH!", and the sound of something being thrown backwards. There is a loud smashing sound, and a large, Edward-shaped hole appears in the door, and then there is a thud from outside. Bella rises out of her chair..*
BS: Holy crow! What did you do? Edward! Are you all right?
RS: *Waves wand, and the door slams shut* I wanted YOU, Bella, now please, SIT DOWN! *I smile winningly and push her back into her chair* Edward will be fine...... I think. That's the first time I've ever used the Vampire-banishing spell.....the Ministry's just modified it for sparkly vampires like your Edward. *I mutter a quick spell to fix the door and make it so Edward can't sneak in again*
BS: *Eyes widen* What?!
RS: Moving on.....can I can you Bella, or do you prefer Isabella?
BS: *Uneasily, and twisting in her chair to look back at the door* Uh... yeah, Bella's fine...
RS: Lovely. Now do you mind if I use a quick-quotes quill?
BS: *Confused* What's that?
RS: Wonderful! Now let's begin. So, tell me about yourself. I want to know you, the REAL you. And of course, so do my readers! *wink*
BS: Well....um....I'm from Forks.....and I love Edward.....we're going to get married.
RS: Of course we all know that, darling....anything else? Like what do you like to do....any hobbies? Friends?
BS: Well...doing things with Edward, I guess. I'm up for anything as long as he's with me.
*Quill scratches, and I nod. Of course most victims.....er, I mean Interviewees are reluctant at first*
RS: And how does it feel to have two incredibly gorgeous guys after you?
BS: Edward and Jacob? Well actually, it's pretty annoying, I mean Jake's a good friend, but he just doesn't get it, I mean, I'm with Edward, okay?
RS: Hmmmm, okay. Not to be rude, but doesn't that seem a bit ungrateful? You know that a lot of girls out there would love to be you right now!
BS: Look, Edward and I are in love, okay? Jake should just accept that and move on! *She rises half out of her chair defiantly*
RS: No need to get excited, I'm just asking...
BS: *Sits back down*
RS: Now, what do you say to the fact that to most peoples definitions, Edward is technically dead? And have you always had issues with necrophilia or is this a relatively new issue?
BS: What? And hey...Edward ISN'T DEAD!
RS: Of course he isn't, darling. *wink* Now,
BS: True love knows no bounds!
RS: Yes, all right...moving on, do you think of yourself as a good role model for teen muggles-er, I mean GIRLS?
BS: Well, everyone-*Bella leans over and looks at my writing pad* Hey! Edward ISN'T DEAD! And my name isn't Mary Sue...it's Bella....and what's that about "severely lacking a personality"?!?!
RS: Never mind the quill, dear. Now-
BS: *Interrupting* You'd better not be planning on publishing that! Edward won't let you!
RS: *Muttering* Like I'm really afraid of a sparkly fairy and a Mary Sue-
BS: WHAT?! I'm not Mary Sue, and EDWARD ISN'T A FAIRY!
RS: Er...I mean Vampires....I'm not afraid of VAMPIRES, *smirk and wink* Now, moving on, how do you feel Stephenie Meyer has portrayed you and the fairy....I mean, EDWARD in the Twilight series? Do you feel she's done you and your necrophilia issues-I mean, ROMANCE justice?
BS: Well, I didn't get the title, I mean, what does the time of day have to do with me and Edward? And I don't even like apples!
RS: *Raises eyebrows* O-kay...
BS: And like, seriously, what do tulips, ribbons and chess pieces have to do with love? And the titles, I mean, I don't know anything about astronomy.....and we're in love. They should have been called something more like, "Bella and Edward", or, "Forbidden Love", or something like that.
RS: Okay, so now-
BS: *Interrupting* And they didn't do Edward justice either. He's just so beautiful, his skin is so pale,he's godlike in every way. I mean, I can't believe he chose me, we're so in love. And he's just so romantic, I mean, he watches me when I sleep!
RS: *Gags* Are you aware that what you classify as romantic, most others would classify as creepy or stalker-ish?
BS: What's creepy or stalker-ish about Edward sneaking into my house and watching me sleep or following me around? It's so sweet, he cares about me so much!
RS: *Eyeroll*
BS: What? Just because YOU'VE never had a boyfriend......
RS: Excuse me, darling?
BS: Nothing *glare* Anyways, Edward is just so perfect, I mean-
RS: *Covers ears and looks sick* Please, stop.....I get it, dear!
BS: I mean, the way he sparkles is just so-
RS: I get it, please, stop! *Tries to cover ears*
BS: -Adorable, and he's so kind and romantic, and he's just so gorgeously perfect-
RS: *Turning green* I can't take it anymore! *Gets up and runs for the door*
BS: *Doesn't notice, and keeps talking about Edward* He's just so incredible in every way, and he's smart-
*As I was running for my life, trying to avoid dying of boredom and/or going insane from Bella's inane Edward rant, I was forced to conclude my highly informative interview with Bella Swan*
