Tetra: So, now that we are here, are you ready to go on an amazing adventure to save your sister
Link: No
Tetra: Then let us- Wait, what do you mean by no
Link: You see, my mother used to tell me stories of a brave hero who went through many hardships to save the land from evil. And I can assure you, I fucking hate the stuff he went through. He almost got killed by spiders, lizards, jellyfish monsters, ghosts, dragons, water.... Yeah, just water, zombies, witches, pigmen, tribal warriors, goats, giant fish, worms, and a scary mask, and I can assure you I won't go on some crappy adventure
Tetra: Perfect, then let us go
Link: I said I don't want to go
Tetra: We will not rest until we find your sister
Link: I said I don't want to go
Tetra: And we shall defeat the evil that lies in the Forsaken Fortress
Link: Do I have a saying in this
Tetra: No
Link: Ffffffuuuuuckk. Okay, lets go
Tetra: Hold on, you need a shield first
Link: What. You just said I had to come with you
Tetra: Shield first
Link: I don't even want to go with you. Sure, I want to lose my virginity, but goddamn your annoying.... Even though I'd still screw you
Tetra: Well, you have to, otherwise you will never go save your sister
Link: (Sigh) Fine. Wait here and do... whatever
Tetra: Okay

Link: Grandma
Grandma: Get off my lawn you-
Link: Grandma, I need a shield
Grandma: Oh, well here you go Link
Link: (Takes shield) Thanks grandma
Grandma: Your wel- Link, are you wearing girls clothing. Take that crap off, I ain't going to be the grandmother of some queer
Link: You gave me these clothes
Grandma: Are you crazy. Why would I do that
Link: Oh never fucking mind

Tetra: And look at that cloud. It looks just like a butterfly
Pirate: And that one looks a flower
Other Pirate: And that one looks like Morgan Freeman
Link: Okay, I'm here. Now lets go before-
Grandma: LINK!!!
Link: She finds out! Quick go go go
Tatra: Okay, everyone. Lets get going (Ship starts moving)
Grandma: (On shore) Link, you little bastard. Get back her and message my feet
Link: Not gonna happen. So long grandma, I'm going on an adventure
Grandma: DAMN YOU!!!

Link: So, when do you think we'll get to the Foreskin Fortress
Tetra: Forsaken Fortress, actually
Link: Who cares
Tetra: Well, I think we'll get there soon
Link: Well, I'll just take a nap until-
Tetra: We're here (Points at fortress)
Link: So this is it, huh
Tetra: Yep, now lets see. How can we get you inside
Link: Well, as long as it doesn't cause me physical pain, I'm fine with it
Tetra: Physical pain......... THAT'S IT

Link: (Inside a barrel in a catapult) Goddamn it (Catapult launches Link at fortress) Not the face. Not the face. Not the face. Not the face. Not the face (Hits wall) That....... Was....... My face (Falls into water) (Climbs out of water) Okay..... That sucked....... Now, it is time to go all Metal Gear Solid on this place

Link: (Gets thrown in cell) What the hell, how did I get thrown in here
Guard: you shot in killed hundreds of guards until we just shot you with a tranquilizer.
Link: Oh, right. I forgot I just run in and shoot everyone in Metal Gear Solid
Guard: Anyway, I will leave you in this cell that definitely doesn't have a secret escape route. Especially behind those pots. Don't bother looking behind them. Now I will go and leave you unguarded for no reason. Have fun (Walks out)
Link: ................................. I'm bored. Oh, pots. Must kill pots (Breaks pots) Hey, a secret escape route (Walks out) Okay, now, I just can't get caught again

Link: (Gets thrown in cell) What the hell
Guard : Ha, you made this too easy. Now, this time stay in this cell, and don't look behind the new pots we added, there is absolutely positively no escape route. So long (Walks out)

(143 break outs later)
Link: Okay, now I am finally here at the top of the tower
Aryll: Link, you came to save me
Link: Yeah, don't give a shit. I just want to get done with this shitty quest
Aryll: Okay.... Hey, Link.... You might want to turn around
Link: I know this joke Aryll. I won't fall for the old "Made you look".
???: Hey, whats that behind you
Link: Huh (Turns around and sees bird)
Bird: HA! Made you look (Picks up Link)
Aryll: Oh no, brother
Link: Still don't care
Bird: (Flies to the top of Forsaken Fortress)
???: Ha ha ha. Who is this
Bird: Master, I found this kid walking around the fortress
???: WHAT! We let a little kid sneak all the way up here. We really need to increase our security
Bird: Probably
Link: Who the hell are you
???: I am none of your goddamn business..... But since I love my name so much, I am Ganondorf, and soon, I will rule the world
Link: Oh no, rule the world, its not like anyones done that a billion times before
Ganondorf: Oh, so your a smart ass aren't you. I hate smart asses. Bird, kill him
Bid: Okay) (Throws Link far)
Link: AHHHHHHH!!!! HOW FUCKING POWERFUL IS THAT BIRDS THROOOOOOOWWWW! (Fades out of sight)
TO BE CONTINUED