I just never cared anymore. Not about anything. For some reason, I just let everything alone. Nothing mattered to me anymore. Nothing. The things that had made me happy previously had now just made me even more…dull. Maybe all the things he did to me made me like this. Trevor never really was good to anyone, not even any girlfriends he had. He never showed me that he cared, he was always cold, and he always… hurt me.
Or maybe my mother’s drinking habits. She was always at the bar, and when she wasn’t, she had a different bottle in her hand every minute or so. I was surprised she hadn’t died of alcohol poisoning yet. She ignored me unless it was to tell me how stupid I was, how fat I was. I wasn’t even fat. Actually, I guess I could be considered anorexic. My ribs were easy to spot, even if I did eat like a pig. Maybe that’s why she said I was fat. She couldn’t really see physical appearances very well. She was blind to things like that, but she could always see me eat.
Or maybe it was the fact that my father left. He had run off when I was seven for no reason, and I remember my mother saying that he had run off with another woman. I didn’t really understand what she’d meant at the time, but now that I looked back on it, I could perfectly see why she would say that. If she had said that now, however, I wouldn’t even think twice about it, but she had said that before she had even started drinking any. I wasn’t even sure if she remembered my dad anymore. She probably didn’t. She constantly forgot that I even existed, even if I was right next to her.
Or maybe it was my lack of self confidence, or the way I saw things in life, or how I felt unneeded, unloved, or how I couldn’t distribute my thoughts at all well, or how I felt close to death all the time, or maybe the fact that our apartment was too small for me, my mom, and my older brother who just lost his custody battle with his ex-wife for his home and twins. Maybe it was everything.
Maybe I was looking too hard into my depression.
Maybe, it all just needed to stop.
That was it, it needed to end. I opened up my small bedroom window; for once my small size came in handy for something useful. I didn’t jump, that’d be fatal. I searched for a nearby clothesline, and luckily there was my neighbors’ just in arm’s reach. I grabbed hold of it. Once again, my small size proved useful. I pulled my self over to a nearby awning, which was low to the ground and right below me. I let go of the clothesline and fell onto the awning and bounced once. Again my small size was useful. I climbed down and walked in the direction of the bus stop and immediately wished I had brought some clothing. Or some money, but I didn’t really have any.
The bus pulled up almost immediately. It was rather empty, which was no surprise considering the time of night. I took a seat on the back to enjoy what little solitude I could. I didn’t know where I was going, I didn’t know how I’d survive, I didn’t know who I’d meet, but I didn’t care. I was free, and that was all I cared about.